Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Niala » July 20th, 2015, 1:56 pm

Yessssssssssssss moar!!!!

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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Xedanis » July 29th, 2015, 8:48 pm

If any of you read this thread, then you should have seen this one coming. :P

---

"Xedanis, son of Keriyus, eighth of your line. You are dead."

The Grim Reaper's march was a slow and steady one, utterly without haste, leaden and dragging. The steady clink, tink clink, tink Clink of chains against stone kept an unerring metronome of his paint-drying pace as he led his most recent fare through the winding tunnels of purgatory.

"Come," the Reaper instructed. "We shall journey across the River Styx, and enter the Land of the Dead..."

"Hold on," Xedanis said impatiently. "If I'm takin' a vacation, I'd best grab some pajamas."

Death stopped in its tracks, its head rolling like a grindstone on its bony neck to stare at the presently-passed pirate.

"There are no Pajamas permitted in the Land of the Dead."

Xed stared at his host incredulously. "I was told Pajamas in the land of the dead!"

Death shook its head. "No."

"Well then..." Xed said aloud, taking off his hat, and yanking the stake out of his chest with a slightly-winded sigh of frustration. He tossed the thing away into the water.

"DO NOT DISTURB THE WATERS OF-"

The tidal wave smashed over Death like an ice bucket over a pigeon.

Xed stared, flabbergasted, as the Grim Reaper was blasted from its skeletal feet and cast sprawling over the rocky ground, bones flying everywhere. He wanted to laugh, but the motion was rudely interrupted by death's bony pelvis slapping into his face.

"Heh," Xed guffawed. "S'this's what it's like t'give death a blowjob."

"You will be punished," said the pelvis.

"Talk dirty t'me more, baby," Xed quipped. He peeled the bleached bone off his face and flung it on the pile that was speedily reconstructing itself. Evidently this was a mistake, as it caused the pelvis and skull to change places. "Um... there's somethin' not quite right with this picture, mate."

"MY RIDER, WHAT KEEPS YOU. I NEED MORE SOULS TO CONSUME," thundered a deep and seismic voice from nowhere.

"Feckin' hell," Xed covered his ears. "Whoever that is, tell them t'put down the bloody megaphone. My 'ead 'urts enough as it is."

"I AM THE RULER OF THIS DARK WORLD," earthquaked the voice. Slowly, a hulking shape resolved from sheer darkness in front of Xed, drawing in its essence from the entire cavern, stripping the shadows and flames from the wall and its crude torches like clothes from a hanger.

Finally an avatar of molten rage stood before the pirate.

"I AM EREBOS," the magma rumbled.

"I really don't care," Xedanis yawned.

The magma man growled in hot fury."INSOLENCE! I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR URRRGH."

The Urghh was not intentional. Xedanis had taken advantage of the magma-man's ludicrous verboseness to walk up to it and hoof it square in the groin, steel-toed-size-12 boot et al.

"Sorry I can't stick around chaps, I've got a body t'get back to." And with that, he turned from the pelvis-headed reaper and the crumpled, nut-shot god of the dead and wandered back whence he came.

Erebos raised his burning head an inch to stare into the skull-pelvis of his reaper.

"That's... never happened... before..."
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Glitch » July 29th, 2015, 9:37 pm

Mmmm... <.<
s p e c c h i o
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Xedanis » July 30th, 2015, 12:19 pm

Mmmm yourself. >.>

(Kinky)
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Melanctha » July 30th, 2015, 12:27 pm

Demarchis bloodline, doing bad shit in underworld since 2007.
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Xedanis » July 30th, 2015, 12:57 pm

Melanctha wrote:Demarchis bloodline, doing bad shit in underworld since 2007.


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Yes, I did deliberately steal Liander's face.
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Vulture » July 30th, 2015, 1:50 pm

Xed as a time lord would be amusing.
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Xedanis » July 30th, 2015, 1:54 pm

Dr. Qui!
Herr Dr. Die!

Oh the opportunities for silly nonsense.

WATCH THIS SPACE. (It might sneak off while i'm writing.) :P
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Xedanis » August 10th, 2015, 2:11 pm

“COMING SOON ON XEDANIS IN SPACE…”

“Wait, what?” Xedanis looked up, wondering where on earth the booming voice that was still ringing inside his head had come from. “Who said that? And where the fuck am I? And where-“

“OUR HERO DOESN’T KNOW WHERE THE HELL HE IS…”

“Well no, I fuckin’ don’t, or why-“

“…OR WHY THE HELL THIS HIS HAPPENING…”

“This is getting really frus-“

“…ALL HE KNOWS IS HIS OWN ANGER…”

“WILL YOU STOP THAT?!” Xed screamed.

“IN THE FACE OF CERTAIN DEATH.”

“I SAID SHUT – Wait, death? What?”

Suddenly a blinding light transfixed the pirate and for a moment he felt like he’d been caught, balls out, in the middle of a crowded street. Except, there was no crowded street. He opened his eyes, bewildered, to find himself standing in the middle of the Gobi Desert.

“This joke’s getting really old,” he said as he stared at the sun. Once again, the enormous ball of molten death was having absolutely no effect on him. “I was promised certain death, and yet… oh,” he trailed off as he looked at his hands.

They were on fire.

He looked at his feet.

THEY were on fire.

In a wild, unconscious panic, he opened his pants. Which set them on fire. Which was alright, because the rest of him was on fire too.

“Um…” muttered the confused pirate, as he stood in the endless rolling equatorial sands, beneath the baking, blistering fury of the sun at its zenith, burning like a pitch-soaked torch. “…why am I not dead?”

“IN THE FACE OF CERTAIN DEATH…”

“I’m not dying!” Xedanis interjected, waving his fiery arms in the air and running around in circles like …. Like his arse was on fire.

“HE WILL FACE CONFUSION…”

“MY FACE IS ON FIRE,” Xed screamed, utterly flabbergasted by the simple fact that he couldn’t feel anything.

“HE WILL FACE DESPAIR…”

“MY BALLS ARE ON FIRE!” He screamed, hurling the two cannonballs he’d been holding for no particular reason or length of time over the horizon. They disappeared into the sun in a twinned contrail, a comet with a conjoined twin.

“HE WILL FACE HIS OWN MORTALITY…”

“I’M PRETTY SURE THIS DOESN’T COUNT AS MORTALITY!” Screamed the still-running, still-burning Xedanis-shaped fireball.

“ON DECEMBER 29TH,” the booming voice ignored him. Xed froze on the spot like a record had just been screeched to a halt.

“What?”

“ONLY IN THEATERS.”

Xedanis stared at the sun in disbelief. “The fu-“

The world blacked out again.
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Xedanis » November 7th, 2016, 12:55 pm

That's right, it's been absent for years and the story of Xedanis in Wonderland merged with Twilight and blew up into a Movie trailer that was a total and absolute hoax, but now after long months of silence, it's -

XEDANIS IN SPACE - REVENGE OF THE SHIT

"Revenge of the what?!"

SORRY, SITH.


"Are you sure?!"

YES.

"Oh. Well that's a relief. Shall we get on wi-"

COMING SOON.

"God Dammit."
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