Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Xedanis » June 24th, 2015, 7:24 pm

Xedanis wrote:
Jaenelle wrote:
Xedanis wrote:TEMPORAL ANOMALY CAP'N, WE'RE BEIN' SUCKED IN, AND I DINNA HAVE NAE POWER!


...choking. Thanks for the coughing fit. :lol:


:lol:

I would totally RP that too. Have Xed wake up on the bridge of the Enterprise. Some mad side effect or another switches him with Kirk.

*Stops before he considers this idea too seriously*


... I thought about it too seriously. Forgive me!!!

---

“Temporal anomaly cap’n!” Scotty yelled. “We’re bein’ sucked in, and I dinna have nae power!”

“Source of the anomaly unknown, captain,” said Spock. “Reading dangerously elevated graviton emissions with a geometric drain gradient of approximately 9.5 degrees.”

“What… the fuck… are you on about?”

All eyes swung around to face the captain’s chair.

Xedanis had never felt so self-conscious in his life.

“Who the hell are you?” said a thin-set man in a blue uniform. Xed looked up at him. Whoever he was he smelled of antiseptics and carried himself with a surgeon’s grace – obviously a doctor. But what about the rest of them?

He looked over momentarily at the one who’d spouted all the incomprehensible gibberish. He had ears like knives! His hair was a hilarious failure that could only be described as Justin Bieber joining the Beetles. And the one with the Scottish accent was nowhere to be found.

Another – this one in a gold shirt – stood up from his position in front of Xedanis and turned a gun of some sort on the vampire. Xed stared at the man, more out of confusion than anything else.

“Son, I asked ya who you were,” said the antiseptic man.

“Mate, I’ve not the faintest bloody clue,” said Xedanis. He rubbed his chin and sat up; whoever normally parked their arse here must have had a pole up it the size of a small continent.

Antiseptic man, Pointy Ears and Goldshirt were now all standing around him in a half-circle, cutting off his view from the rest of the room. Oddly this came as somewhat of a relief; the place was painted in a garish combination of red and black, lights were flashing bright enough to be an epileptic’s nightmare and there was some sort of damnable whistling noise that sounded like a smoke alarm on weed.

“What have you done with Kaptin Kurk?” said the one with a gun whose hair seemed, like Pointy Ears’, to be a member of some sort of scalp-exclusive Beetles Fan Club.

“I picked the wrong night t’go drinkin’,” Xed said in response. He ruffled his chin a bit and looked up at Beetle Hair. “Kurk? Who’s Kurk? Is that the knob who put me here?”

“Fascinating,” said Pointy Ears. “He appears to believe that we have kidnapped him for some unknown ends.”

“I’d rather y’not talk about kidnappin’ people and especially about people’s Ends when there’s a bunch o’ Bell-Ends at me eye level mate,” Xed complained, finally deciding to stand up. He towered over all of them except Pointy Ears.
“I don’t care what he believes,” said Antiseptic Man as Beetle Hair backed away in fear. “What the hell did you do with Jim?”

“Listen mate,” Xedanis said, growing tired of this nonsense,” I’ve no idea who this Jim is or what you’re talking about, and I’m leaving. And if I DO see your Kurk Jim or whatever his name is, I’m gonna bruise his arse so badly it’ll be like he was raped by-“

“Torpedoes,” said Kirk, who suddenly POPPED back into existence in Xedanis’s place.

Xed blinked, and he was suddenly on the deck of his own ship, at the helm no less. The sea – the lovely, familiar, earthbound sea – lapped gently at the sides of the hull.

“Captain?” came Gravis’ familiar voice. Xed looked over at the boatswain and around the deck, where his crew were frozen in a picture of violence. At the sight of him, they seemed to relax and went back to their duties.

“Wierdest. Daydream. Ever,” Xed declared, and took hold of the helm, sailing onward, and onward, to where basically any man probably had gone before…
Last edited by Xedanis on June 24th, 2015, 9:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Xedanis in Space

Postby Ulysses » June 24th, 2015, 7:46 pm

wtf is this i spat lmbo what
GET OFF MY MIND, GIVE BACK MY HEART, AND GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME
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Re: Xedanis in Space

Postby Xedanis » June 24th, 2015, 8:05 pm

This is what happens when Adam has a silly idea, and enough downtime to run with it :lol:
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Re: Xedanis in Space

Postby Marlo » June 24th, 2015, 8:40 pm

LMFAO. oh my god. i loved that.

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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Xedanis » June 24th, 2015, 9:59 pm

:lol: Alright i'll see if my ridiculously silly brain can conjure up another stupidly embarrassing situation for Xed to find himself in :writing:

On second thoughts... let's make one! :)

Quick, someone give me a famous universe! (Star Wars? Another Star Trek Series? Middle Earth? Whatever! Specifics are fun too!)
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Alan » June 24th, 2015, 11:38 pm

I LOVE THIS, holy hell. This reminds me of the fever dream I wrote for Kyo a few years back with star wars. :lol:

I think PotC would be fitting, but that's just me >-> <3
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Scarecrow » June 25th, 2015, 1:20 am

I loved this so hard.
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Xedanis » June 25th, 2015, 11:49 am

Alan wrote:I think PotC would be fitting, but that's just me >-> <3


The Sun shat its heat all over his face, all 113 bloody-tortuous-degrees of it.

Blood beaded on his brow and dribbled down his face in torrid runnels, mingling with sweat on its way to the parched, scorched earth beneath his feet. His steps were stuttered with pain and labor in equal measure. On his back, the weals of too many lashes left their oozing and sore mark. His skin peeled back, cut meat and muscle crisping in the blazing temperature. A human barbeque walked through the streets of the poor village, and behind him trod a lone individual with the barbeque's burden; a huge log hewn so roughly that it still had branches and leaves poking out of it.

The barbeque burden bearer looked up into the sky with fearful eyes; he lingered perhaps a bit too long on the Sun as he walked, and didn't understand how he had came to be here. His black hair clung to his neck with the desperation of waterlogged vines, his hands ached, his back ached, he wondered why the fuck he was carrying this bloody thing... so thirsty... where's the fuckin' rum...

Then, as he stared at the sun above, he realized something even more urgent.

"Hold up," said Xedanis. "I just realized this is impossible."

All and sundry stopped what they were doing to look at him in bewilderment. Jeers ceased. Stonethrowers held their fire. Soldiers stopped their military clank-clank marching and turned to face Xedanis.

Caught in the judging gaze of at least 500 attendees, Xedanis dropped the log and shrugged. "Well? It is, isn't it?"

Suddenly his wife poked her head out from between two onlookers, parting them like curtains. There was a look of interrupted surprise on her face. "What's impossible darling?"

Xed gestured to the sun, to himself, to his sweat-soaked armpits. "All of this. it's impossible."

"Don't be such a ponce, darling," Moon Girl said chastely. "Just, get on with the bloody thing."

"Yes, get on with it!" Agreed the human barbeque.

"GET ON WITH IT!" Roared the crowd around him.

Xed opened his mouth to speak, but at that moment the sun-soaked sky was suddenly and completely choked by raging swirls of thunderheads. One of them built to a head, pierced from beyond by shafts of radiant life, and an enormous visage that Xed could only describe as divine appeared in this cloudy tableau.

"...God?" Xedanis asked, dumbfounded.

"GET ON WITH IT," God admonished.

"But..."

"GET ON WITH IT, OR BURN," God roared, his eyes ablaze with flame. Xed felt suddenly like he was roasting. He looked down, realizing immediately that his feet were on fire. He felt pain. What a wierd sensation. Then, without much warning, he realized he was going to scream.

He opened his mouth and let out-

-A scream as he shot bolt upright and smacked his head painfully off the reinforced lid of the "coffin" that served as his and Moon Girl's king-size bed.

For her part, Moon Girl barely moved. "Whassamatterhoney?" she said in a half-comatose drawl.

"No more cheese before bed," Xed found himself saying. "Gives me nightmares."
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Alan » June 25th, 2015, 12:08 pm

YAAAAAAAS. That first line, tho. Im in public and people are giving me strange looks over my stupid grin omg bro :lol:
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Xedanis » June 25th, 2015, 2:26 pm

I'd like to thank Monty Python for their inspiration for the ending.

Yeah I couldn't stop giggling after I wrote the first line. It might explain why the rest of that one is bizarre :P (well more bizarre).

Anyone else have a suggestion? THIS IS FUN AND I WANT MORE.
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Marlo » June 25th, 2015, 3:46 pm

I LOVE THESE.

PUT HIM IN WONDERLAND. omg. :tattle:
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Xedanis » June 25th, 2015, 4:25 pm

DAMMIT AIMEE YOU WOULD CHOOSE WONDERLAND

XED IS NEVER GOING TO FORGIVE ME

STAY TUNED
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Marlo » June 25th, 2015, 5:10 pm

Xedanis wrote:DAMMIT AIMEE YOU WOULD CHOOSE WONDERLAND

XED IS NEVER GOING TO FORGIVE ME

STAY TUNED



SORRY NOT SORRY.
cantwait. omg
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Jaenelle » June 25th, 2015, 6:56 pm

Marlo wrote:
Xedanis wrote:DAMMIT AIMEE YOU WOULD CHOOSE WONDERLAND

XED IS NEVER GOING TO FORGIVE ME

STAY TUNED



SORRY NOT SORRY.
cantwait. omg


EEEEE!!


...can I say hurry up? Am I allowed? Because I am so psyched for Wonderland Xed! :lol:
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Aziza » June 25th, 2015, 7:29 pm

Omfg. xD These are great. All of them. Yes. Do more! <3
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Xedanis » June 28th, 2015, 6:14 pm

Editorial Note: I just realised that the PotC Alan meant was probably Pirates of the Caribbean. I mistook it as Passion of the Christ. Woops. Well it was fun to have Xed wandering in broad daylight and wondering how the hell he was still alive. Anyhoo... on to more impossible things! That's right, it's the long awaited...

----

"Plunderland," said Tweedle-Dee.
"Underland," said Tweedle-Dum.
"Contrary-wise," said Tweedle-Dee, "You said it was Wonderland."
"Actually," said Tweedle-Dum," I said it was Wonder-Underland."

The two started arguing amongst themselves at that point. The two seemed very well-mannered, even in their arguments. These twins dressed exactly the same - in red-and-white striped overalls - looked exactly the same - bald with barely a hint of eyebrows - and acted the same.

"Yer not brothers," Xed commented. "Ye're fuckin' clones."

The two didn't seem to hear him. They continued the mild-mannered arguing. Xed rocked back on his heels. He had, once again, wondered aloud where the fuck he was, and he was answered by this bickering couple of possibly-gay-clones.

On second thought no. They weren't gay. None of Xed's close gay/bi friends dressed anywhere near as stupidly as these two.

"BITCH, I SAID IT WAS WONDER-UNDERLAND," Tweedle-Dum suddenly exploded. He followed this ridiculous outburst with a backhanded swipe to his twin's flat head, landing with a meaty WHAP right on the other... man's? ... cheek.

"OW, HO, WHAT DA FUCK YOU DID THAT FO'?" Tweedle-Dee responded, cradling his bruised cheek in one hand. "WHY YOU ALWAYS GOTTA BE SO DAMN HARSH?"

"Oh you want HARSH now punk-ass?" Tweedle-Dum retorted. "C'm'ere fatty and i'll SHO yo ass HARSH when I break ma dayum FOOT OFF IN IT!"

Xedanis stood dumbfounded as the twins suddenly pounced at each other with vicious, catlike fury. Tweedle-Dee was too slow to deflect the heavy weight of his twin aside and the other man collided with him with all the force of a striped freight train, bowling him to the ground. Xedanis couldn't believe his eyes. Twenty seconds ago, these nursery-rhyme misfits were as confused and polite as the British Royal Family. Now all of a sudden they were...

Making out.

"I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry. Y'know daddy didn't mean-"

"LEAVING," Xedanis decided, and promptly fucked off back toward the dirt track he'd discovered the twins upon.

"Gimme some sugar, honey," said Tweedle-Dum as Xedanis walked away. Xed faintly overheard the sound of a zipper coming undone as he sped up away from the sick... whateverthefuckitwas happening in the bushes behind him.

Safe and back on the road, now, Xed continued his meandering in confused, nauseated surprise. He had no idea what on earth had caused these random jaunts to... wherever the hell he had been over the last so-long-a-time-that-he-didn't-know. But whoever or whatever it was, it was in line for a swift and grisly death when he got back to his own reality.

TO BE CONTINUED...
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Marlo » June 29th, 2015, 7:55 am

Xedanis wrote: But whoever or whatever it was, it was in line for a swift and grisly death when he got back to his own reality.

TO BE CONTINUED...



IT WAS ME THIS TIME.

OMG. I LOVED THAT. I LAUGHED SO MUCH. :lol: I NEED TO SEE MORE OF THESE AND DEF MORE OF WONDERLAND. Xedanis and the Psychedelic Adventure
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Xedanis » July 2nd, 2015, 2:19 pm

“Just when I thought the incestuous BDSM was bad enough,” Xedanis said, “this nonsense shows up.”

“You should really smile, you know,” intoned the cigar-smoking cat with wheezing COPD. “It does wonders for the soul.” He proceeded to cough so severely that Xedanis thought he would actually expel the damn thing.

“It’s times like this,” Xed observed with a smoke-clearing wave of his hand, “that I’m glad I don’t breathe.” As the smoke cleared out of his vision, he looked up toward the tree branch where the obnoxious feline prick had been huffing tar at him. To his mild surprise, the bastard was gone. Good Riddance.

Xedanis continued on down the road as the night began to sparkle with the presence of twinkling stars in the sky. They sparkled and glittered and danced in the air, around the trees, right in front of him with that rusty, teen-angst haircut….

Wait a second…

“GAGH!” Xed yelled, pulling out his sword without a second thought and stabbing the offending sparkly thing several times in the pelvis. It coughed, let out a whimper of its own and looked up at him with piteous simpering in its eyes.

“But… I’ve crossed oceans of time… to find y-“

“GAAAGH!” Xed continued to roar incoherently. Silvernus jabbed in and out of the thing’s stomach now, over and over again like some mad, stabby machine gun.

“I find your closed mind infatuati-“

“DIE!” Xed retorted, finally cutting the thing’s head off. It rolled off the path and into a ditch. Ftumpatumpadump BONK. After a few minutes’ precious silence, Xedanis sheathed Silvernus and took a steadying breath. “That was close. Almost had t’bathe in sulfur.”

“I would bathe you each night,” said the severed head from the ditch. It was sparkling more than ever as the sun rose above the trees. Once again, Xedanis was alive in direct and deliberate spite of all known vampiric lore, nay, tradition!

“GAGH!” He yelled again, keeping to tradition as he pulled out his hip flask, covered the head and body with rum, and set it on fire with a torch ripped from the branch of a nearby tree.

Even the thing’s screaming was melodic. It was sickening. Finally, however, it lived / unlived / sparkled no more.

“Real vampires,” Xedanis quoted, “do NOT sparkle.”

“Do they apologize?” asked a voice. “Because that hurt.”
Xed looked around for the newcomer but saw nothing but the trees. “Who said that?”

“I did,” said the tree behind him indignantly. It had no face, but it managed to shake in anger. “You ripped off a limb and killed that poor bastard with it.”

“Never mind your wood,” said Xedanis. “I had t’waste good rum on that simperin’ git. It’s me flask that should be whingin’, not you.”

“Ordinarily I’d agree,” intoned the tree. “However that limb happened to be my penis.”

A long, dumbfounded silence stretched on into the darkness of the sky between the two.

Eventually Xedanis broke it.

“I’m talking to a fucking tree.”

He wandered off before anything else ridiculous could happen.

COMING UP NEXT: SOMETHING RIDICULOUS WILL HAPPEN!
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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Niala » July 9th, 2015, 5:56 pm

Okay, when you're done with this - I kind of want to see him (and his crew this time?) in the fairy tale world of The 10th Kingdom. That one might take some research, though...

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Re: Xedanis in Space (and other stories)

Postby Xedanis » July 11th, 2015, 7:17 pm

The arrow flew through the air, whistling a sprightly tune as it did so.

I'm gonna get your heart, I'm gonna get your heart... it insipidly whispered in its shrill, sing-song, nonsensical manner.

The Huntsman watched the loosed arrow fly through the air with straight, single-minded glee, though his face bore no smile in the fact. The song was too fucking annoying.

I'm only gonna break break your, break break your heart, whistled the arrow as it sailed between the trees and right into a squirrel's Aorta. The poor unfortunate bugger clasped at its impossibly impaled chest - it had been running with its belly against the branch, after all - and toppled from the tree.

"Lunch," grunted the Huntsman. He slung his bow over his shoulder and approached the slain creature, making preparations to build a fire.

((MAYBE MORE IN TENTH KINGDOM, I JUST LIKED THE IDEA OF A BOW THAT NEVER FAILS TO HIT SOMEONE'S HEART - LARGELY BECAUSE IT KEEPS SINGING ABOUT BREAKING HEARTS. #CAPSLOCKCLUB ))

NEXT: Will Xedanis take an arrow to the Heart? Or the Knee?! STAY TUNED.
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